Firstly I will say this.. boundaries are complicated. They can differ with different relationships and different enviornments. However, what is important is we have boundaries in place to make ourselves feel safe.

But what are they ? In esscence, they are a set of rules for ourselves which outline what we will and won't do. Such as answering the phone at 2am ( unless it is a real emergency ). Boundaries are not just important for us, but also for others. They allow other people to know where they stand with us. Take the following example :

I phone my dad on a Tuesday, every Tuesday. One week I phone on a Thursday, the next on a Friday and then back to Tuesdays. My Dad will be confused as he would've got used to the regular day but had it suddenly changed. He does not know why. I had set a boundary, he was used to. Changing this without discussion could lead to confusion, anger or any range of feelings.

What I could have done is either changed to another set day due to work commitments, and communicated this. Or, kept to a Tuesday but explained to my dad the call could have come later in the day.

This is only a simple example, but you get the idea. A boundary needs to be a rigid framework we have in place to manage a situation or set of situations. Once we start to change our boundaries communication issues can follow.

What if I don't have boundaries ?

This is such a common question. In today's society we are told not to be selfish and to put others first. Boundaries are a form of self care. If we cannot give to ourselves, we will eventually become burnt out. If childhood was unpredictable, it is likely your boundaries will not be strong. You may have had to adapt to a challenging or uncertain environment or boundaries may simply not have been seen growing up. If we always say yes to others, it is very difficult to turn around and say no.

My best advice is start small. If you always go for a coffee with a friend but come back to a pile of work, maybe start seeing them every other week. Perhaps you never get "me time" start with 10 minutes per day. This may mean getting up earlier before everyone else, but you will soon reap the benefits of me time. It's setting a boundary. You are aware of your needs "I need me time" and you are setting a small, manageable boundary for yourself. In time this can change to a different time of day or you can begin telling other's you have some "me time" booked in.

Boundaries may seem scary but little by little, bit by bit we can develop them. Often the main barrier is ourselves..